Managing Social Anxiety
For some people social interaction can come with a lot of anxiety. There are a few things that we can do to support a greater level of comfort around social interactions. Before going to a social event, let your child know what will be happening, when and with whom. Not knowing what is due to happen can be a source of anxiety. There will always be a level of unpredictability but if your child has lots of questions, try asking them about what aspect is worrying them and talk through their concerns. The more relaxed your child feels, the easier it will be for them to engage. The first step is to find ways to help them to feel relaxed rather than for them to engage.
Although sometimes it is the right choice to not engage with a social event/interaction (e.g. at times of significant distress/emotional dysregulation), avoiding situations that cause anxiety can sometimes lead to more anxiety building around those situations. Taking very small, supported steps towards a social goal can be helpful. Work with your child on what they want to achieve, but allow space to opt out when they really need to. Give good feedback for effort when something is difficult e.g. “it was brave of you to come even though it felt scary”.
Neurodiversity & Social Anxiety
Some anxiety around socialising is normal and not something we can avoid. It can help to acknowledge the young person’s feelings of anxiety e.g. “I think you are feeling a bit worried about going to the party, because there will be a lot of people there, is that right?”. Check in about what they might be feeling.
Thinking together about anything that could help, may relieve some of the worry, e.g. “should we ask one of your friends to meet you at the door so you can speak to them first?”. It is important to allow the young person to try to come up with suggestions and solutions themselves/with you, rather than ‘fixing’ it for them.
Young people who are neurodivergent may experience higher levels of anxiety in social situations. It is worth thinking about if there is anything that can be altered in the situation to make them feel more at ease, e.g. can noise levels be limited, is there a space they can go to with a trusted/safe adult and/or friend which is less overwhelming, can they take a comfort item with? Thinking about how they will request this can also be helpful, for example, does the child want a subtle hand signal or to use a specific phrase.
It may help to talk to others about expectations for your child e.g. if they find it hard to come and say hello, give them some time, they are not being rude. You can reassure your child of these things too, e.g. your friend knows you might need time to say hello.
Many people find eye contact difficult. If the person is engaging, do they need to make direct eye contact? They may prefer to look in someone’s general direction or angle their body towards the other person without looking. Many people find that they can focus on what is being said when they are not looking at someone. Consider any other adaptations like this that may help.
More than Quiet?
If you are concerned that your child has a difficulty beyond just being shy or quiet, it is worth seeking further advice. Some young people may fit a diagnosis of situational/selective mutism. This is where someone is able to speak well in some situations, but not at all/very little in others.
Situational mutism can present as both high and low profile. With a low profile presentation children will often be able to talk when they ‘have to’ but their answers may be very short. Both come with high anxiety. It is very important to seek further advice if you are concerned, as professional support is typically vital to help a young person to progress with talking. If your child is not able to talk at all (or very little) in some situations, but can at home, seek further advice.